A week or so ago I was horrified to actually HEAR a beetle fall onto the floor, it was THAT big. Now, I know the UK is very tame when it comes to our insects, very few bite and none of them can kill you so yes, I’m just a wimp. But seriously, this thing was fucking huge! Google helped me to identify the critter – a Devils Coach Horse Beetle. Even the name is creepy as fuck. It was about 2.5 inches long and pretty quick – something I am definitely not. Google also kindly informed me they do not sting but can give you a nip with their pincer jaws and their scorpion-like demeanour is simply to deter birds and other predators as it seems they make a juicy snack. They eat other small bugs so a decent helper in the garden apparently. Well this one wasn’t in my pissing garden, it was in my hallway and it was NOT welcome!

Anyway I went off to get a glass in order to evict the little fucker only when I came back he’d buggered off!! For fucks sake. So I spent a good amount of time looking for him but he outsmarted me leaving me to continue my day on high alert and constantly scanning the floor to see if he was near me…

He showed back up in the evening, thankfully when the husband was home, running across my dining room floor towards my kitchen island – which he promptly disappeared under. I grabbed my glass (I’d kept it nearby “just in case”) and stood at the other end of the island in wait for his reemergence. Only he didn’t reemerge. Disappointed in the failure of my plan I started to make my way back to the dining table to sit down, standing in wait not really gonna work out for me in my state. Only, I never made it that far, two steps back towards the sanctuary of a seat and there he was, running towards me! Yes I know, it can’t hurt me blah blah but I don’t want it fucking ON ME!!! So in pure reflex I went to make a quick backwards step only to very nearly topple over backward which would have been much more terrible as I’d have definitely bashed my head on the worktop behind me and, even worse, ended up on the floor with the bug I was trying to avoid! Needless to say my feet didn’t move at all leaving me still stood there directly in its path. I had no choice but to bend and dump the glass over it where I was which, thankfully, was a success. Husband came and dutifully exiled him to the flowerbed outside, where he belongs (the bug, not my husband).

Last week a super fast house spider made an appearance while we were watching TV one evening, its existence only brought to my attention by my husband launching himself to the floor in a (futile) attempt at catching it. Ordinarily I would be one of those who quickly lifted her feet onto the sofa to avoid contact with the 8-legged intruder, except I very quickly realised I couldn’t do that. Not that it came as a surprise, just further disappointment that I had to remain in full contact with the ground at the mercy of the arachnid in my house.

Anyway, the fucker got away so a very broken nights sleep followed, every itch or tingle (of which there are many) woke me. The spider, affectionately named Boris (all big spiders are called Boris) had obviously relocated to a different room as he came scuttling in the following evening from the hallway. Hubby, who has distinctly better eyesight than me, spotted it and in a flash was back on the floor only this time, successfully, with a handful of spider! So he was relocated outside with the devil beetle.

What has become painfully apparent is that I can no longer get away from ground dwelling creepy-crawlies and I just have to sit there at the mercy of whether or not they decide to run up my leg!! Not something I had considered when my legs started giving out on me and, I have to say, a very unwelcome side effect indeed!!