The practice of aspirational thought with the purpose of making your dreams come true or your aspirations become reality has become evermore popular. Also known as “manifesting“.. now I’m all for a positive mental attitude, I wouldn’t be as well off mentally as I am without one. But given my situation let’s be real, no amount of thinking about walking is gonna make me fucking walk. It’s not going to fix my nervous system so the messages make it down to my legs, is it now 🙄

PMA, or positive mental attitude, is something that I practice in my day-to-day life because without it I would crumble into a sobbing mess on the floor (somewhere I spend enough bloody time as it is). I had what is considered a mental breakdown in my early 20s, someone told me I wasn’t good enough and they told me over and over again until I actually believed it. Verging on being sectioned I then spent several years on antidepressants and in talking therapies to get my mind well again. I vowed at that point to never go back to that place again. I honestly believe that kind of experience can either make or break a person and in my case I guess it made me hard as fuck because very few things could ever make me get that low again. Even losing the use of my legs. So yes, I keep a positive mental outlook and my attitude is that of a strong and independent woman, disabled or not, but I draw the line at manifesting, sorry to say but I think that’s bullshit.

Now, I’m not about to beat down anyone’s techniques for managing life, it can be hard and whatever works for you, works for you. I’m genuinely happy for you. But there is no amount of manifesting that could make my legs work again, that’s just not how this works. I physically work hard every day. I exercise my legs, hell I exercise every muscle in my body to try and keep it as strong as it can possibly be with the equipment and space that I have. I believe in tangible, real techniques. On the flipside I also believe in self fulfilling prophecies where if you think something is gonna go to shit it probably will because when you think like that the way that you then behave will force that situation. But that’s different in many ways.

That leads me to “self talk“ which is our internal voice. Many people say the way we speak to ourselves has an impact on our mental health. Now this is something that I am guilty of, negative self talk, but I don’t find it has any negative effects. Maybe I’m just immune to it or I don’t take any notice of myself but my mental health is no worse now than it has been for the last 15+ years. Whenever I’m trying to do something and a part of my body doesn’t work I’ll tell it that it’s a “piece of shit” or “for fuck’s sake why are you so crap?” But I think I use it as motivation. You know like when you’re in the gym and you try and lift a particular weight that is too heavy so you get really mad and the adrenaline forces your body to do things that you didn’t think were possible? Kind of like that; I get mad. Downright fucking angry actually. But I’d rather take it out on myself than those closest to me, they don’t deserve it. My body does. It lets me down time and time again. I kind of feel bad in a weird, childlike way because my legs haven’t done anything wrong, the damage is in my spinal column so my legs are actually just not receiving the messages yet they’re the ones I shout at. (Internally, of course, I’m not a complete nut job!) Equally, which is just a silly really, I congratulate my legs when they do something that I want them to do. A little pat and a “well done” 🤣 which I then have a little chuckle about because it’s ridiculous. Hey, I spend a lot of time on my own so nobody really hears me apart from the dog… don’t judge me. Some say that when it comes to self talk you shouldn’t use language you wouldn’t use towards someone in real life but we all know I’m a bitch, was before my disability and not about to change now, so the things I say to myself I actually would say to someone. Suck it up, buttercup, don’t be a piece of shit if you can’t handle being told that’s what you are 🤷🏻‍♀️

So all in all I do believe keeping a positive mental attitude is important but I also believe in being real. I’m not a pessimist and I’m not an optimist – I’m a realist.